Hopeless
by LaChoy
Summary: Ritsuka had a secret he'd never tell anybody. Especially Soubi. Mostly because the secret was about him. spoilers from January 2008 chapter


**Disclaimer: Do not own Loveless. No money from this. Blah blah blah. The usual.**

**Notes: **I wanted to try this out with Ritsuka. And in case you didn't read it in the summary, spoilers from January 2008 Chapter. And I used Shoku Dan's translation.

* * *

Ritsuka had a secret he'd never tell anybody. Not Yuiko because she'd ask too many questions and he'd feel embarrassed. Not Yayoi just because he didn't feel the need to tell him anything. Nobody could ever know. Especially Soubi. Mostly because the secret was about him. 

The secret was he had a crush on Soubi. A pretty foolish crush, he often called it, because having your first crush on somebody so much older than you seemed like a pretty dumb and hopeless idea. Especially when the object of said crush was Soubi. Ritsuka knew early on he was being an idiot holding any sort of affection for him. It was useless.

But when Soubi gave him those kisses, no matter how short, Ritsuka felt like this world was being rearranged in the most terrifying ways. It was terrifying because his world was being rearranged in a way that it became so painfully obvious what he felt for his Fighter. He couldn't ignore the way Soubi made him feel when he kissed him. And the most horrible thing was he knew the kisses didn't mean as much to Soubi as they did to him. Those kisses were the first he'd ever had. Soubi had probably had more kisses. Probably ones that were more exciting.

Ritsuka often felt too afraid to kiss back. He could never make Soubi feel the same way he did when they kissed. In the back of his mind, he always worried that if he kissed back with all he had, Soubi would laugh at him. It was probably stupid to think in such a way but he still thought it. And so he always made sure to act like he didn't care that Soubi was kissing him when in reality, it made him feel like falling to his knees.

He only wished growing up wasn't so hard and confusing.

----

"If I could have my first kiss with Yuiko, I'd be the happiest man on Earth," Yayoi commented to Ritsuka one day, rather randomly. He said things like that a lot. Ritsuka never gave his little confessions much thought. But one day, Yayoi kept the conversation going. "Say, who would you like your first kiss with? It better not be Yuiko, though!"

"I don't care who has my first kiss," Ritsuka answered, trying to make sure he sounded as bland as he could. Nobody knew he had lost his first kiss unwillingly to the person who was waiting for him outside the school almost every day. "It's stupid and weird to think about."

"Is not." Yayoi pouted and then seemed to be going over something in his head. "Would you kiss that Soubi guy? You know, the one you walk with?"

Ritsuka had almost completely lost his cool and had been about to yell at the other boy until he had been able to make himself only jump a little and he just gave Yayoi a disgruntled look.

"Of course I wouldn't kiss Soubi!" Ritsuka said, still looking irritated. "That's just weird."

The day had been saved by Yuiko running up to both boys and Yayoi's mind quickly being washed away of thoughts about Ritsuka and that guy named Soubi.

Later on, when Soubi had picked him up from school and nothing was being talked about, Ritsuka decided to be a little dangerous and mention the conversation him and Yayoi had had.

"He's completely obsessed with his first kiss being with Yuiko's and taking hers and threatening me I can't kiss Yuiko."

"Oh, really?" Soubi had asked with polite interest as he had walked alongside the boy. "And what did you say, Ritsuka?"

"I don't want to kiss Yuiko. He can kiss her all he wants. I don't care," Ritsuka said, trying to make sure Soubi didn't get the idea that he was actually interested in kissing the girl. "He also asked me who I wanted my first kiss to be with. I couldn't even discuss that with him because you stole mine, you jerk!" He was going into risky territory, he knew that.

"I'm very sorry then, Ritsuka."

The boy sighed mentally. He hadn't known what he had been expecting Soubi to say other than his stupid little apologies over the littlest things.

"Well…don't be sorry…"

He sounded so…childish and he automatically felt angry with himself. Soubi probably thought he had liked the kiss and then got the idea that he had a crush on him and then-!

"I'm going home by myself! Don't go with me or follow me! That's an order!" He had begun stomping his way back home and he didn't hear Soubi following him. He couldn't disobey an order, right? When he had gotten home, carefully dodging his mother and locking his door, he had lied down on his bed and sighed sadly.

He was hopeless.

----

Soubi had explained to him that they had to kiss to strengthen their bond so they could be a better unit together. Ritsuka knew that was all those kisses meant to him. Just tools to make them stronger. But that day, when Soubi had kissed him one of those random ones he threw in, Ritsuka had kissed back without much thought. As soon as he had, he had felt Soubi freeze but not pull away and the kiss lingered on for a few seconds before Ritsuka had become too embarrassed and backed off.

And Soubi had only smiled, tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear.

"Is there anything else you would like to do today?"

As Ritsuka had guessed, the kiss had meant nothing to Soubi.

----

Soubi was sort of strange. More than sort of. Ritsuka knew that. He also knew Soubi had his reasons and he didn't really want to ask about them. Not quickly. He could find out things later, if he was lucky.

When Soubi had shown up at his house randomly, crying and saying they should run away together as Ritsuka had been tied to a chair, the young boy had had no idea why Soubi was saying any of the things he was. Or why he was crying. Adults just didn't cry, did they? He had never seen an adult cry other than his mother when she was yelling at him.

But when he had been untied and had given Soubi his house key stupidly, he had not expected Soubi to act the way he did. And when he had tried holding him to him, it seemed to do no good. He kept saying he wanted him to hold him but wasn't he? Wasn't he holding him? And so he believed he must have been too young and naïve to understand Soubi.

The kiss they had shared that day had been nothing short of magical to Ritsuka. But he had still been too scared and unsure to let it go on for long and had pulled away. He wasn't sure what the kiss meant to Soubi but he hoped it had comforted him anyway even if it probably was lousy.

----

"No."

Ritsuka wasn't sure what he had said no to that time.

"No."

Or that time either.

Why couldn't he stop saying that word? Ritsuka wondered, looking over to Soubi quickly and frowning, seeing that he didn't even look alive. He looked broken and sad. With Youji and Natsuo leaving, he would be left alone with Soubi. He'd have to try to figure out what to do on his own.

"Hey, Soubi. Don't stand like that. Let's go to sleep. I'm tired and I don't want to brood over this anymore."

And he really didn't. But Soubi was acting like a big baby and Ritsuka had never even babysat for a baby. How was he supposed to take care of somebody so much older than him?

He tried some more to be stern with him. It didn't seem to be doing any good. He couldn't be stern with somebody as old as Soubi. It was weird and made no sense. He could try but still.

"Do you want to be in the presence of a traitor?"

Weird was the only word that came to Ritsuka's mind.

"Why do you use such vile words to describe yourself?!" He asked, hoping this would get through to Soubi. "Are all of the things Seimei says the only truth to you?!" It felt a little odd saying that last bit because it had been that way so long for him. But Seimei had changed and…he sighed and began getting into bed.

"I'm so tired! I'm going to bed. Are you going to join me or what?"

"Forgive me…"

Those words and the way he said them. They made Soubi sound so crushed and Ritsuka knew he had to order Soubi.

"Get undressed." He was surprised he hadn't blushed at saying that. But it was only practical. "I'm really exhausted. So hurry up, okay?"

"I'm sorry."

He sighed and fought the urge to yell at him. To demand he not say things like that. But it wouldn't have been fair to Soubi and Ritsuka knew he seemed to really be suffering.

Finally, after more dejected moping around, Soubi had listened to what he said. Ritsuka was pretty sure it wasn't because he had told him to. Soubi probably hadn't done a single thing he had told him to do because he was too young to be taken seriously like that. But when Soubi had gotten into the bed next to him, he noticed he seemed rigid. He went a little closer, trying to think if there was anything he could do to help. There probably wasn't. Or at least, there was nothing he could think of.

He wanted to kiss him. He wanted to kiss him and make him feel better because Soubi's kisses made him feel like life was going to be okay sometimes. But he knew his kisses could never be that powerful and so he didn't even bother.

Much to the boy's surprise, Soubi fell asleep before him and Ritsuka waited a few minutes before shyly moving his hand to touch his arm with the gentlest of strokes. Soubi flinched and Ritsuka withdrew his hand quickly and pulled the blanket over his head in a depressed huff.

He only wished _life _wasn't so hard and confusing.


End file.
